Me only cartoon and skinnier.
100 things about me
In the Beginning
Beginning Again
center>"Time may appear to heal all wounds, but beneath the superficial skin graft, life's major losses are undimished--of that I'm convinced."
Life Inside, Mindy Lewis For Liz
"Why can't you be with me
Watching American TV
We'll order in Chinese
And ask the world
to stay away, please"
~Leona Naess"But it's good to be stupid. Intelligent people look at too much, whereas stupid people see one thing clearly."
- Fran Healy of Travis
“In the intricately nuanced grade-school hierarchy, I wasn’t one of those popular girls, the ones born to straight teeth and straight hair and genetically predetermined self-confidence. I wasn’t one of the outcasts either- the pale kids with the weird health problems, or the ones who always said the wrong thing at the wrong time and didn’t even know it, or the ones whose mothers made them liverwurst sandwiches for lunch. I had always occupied the shifting territory of the middle ground, sunk low by my hopeless ineptitude at all sports involving a ball, raised up by my standing as one of the smart kids.”
~Skin Game, Caroline Kettlewell
Marla's philosophy on life was that she could die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.
~Fight Club
Blue Flashing Light
Saturday evening
Saturday evening at a quarter to five
I would see him arrive at the door
Pushed you aside as he staggered inside
Spilling alcohol over the floor
A storm is abrewin' and it's sure to fall soon
As I look at you from the shore
So
You better hold on
Cause it's Saturday night
And your friends are all out
And you feel like shit
Cause they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call
Never call
Never bloody ever
Call me a name and I'll hit you again
You're a slut, you're a bitch, you're a whore
Talked to your daddy in that tone of voice
There's a belt hanging over the door
So you run to your room
And you hide in your room
Thinking how you could settle the score
But
Saturday night at a quarter to six
And your friends are all out
And you're live in the sticks
Still they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call
Never call
Never bloody ever call
Blue flashing light last Saturday night
Brought the neighbours all out on the street
They watched as the firemen carried you out
And they stared at each other's feet
Now everyone sees and yet nobody says
How we're all just afraid of the heat
But
It's Saturday night
And I'm lying alone in the bed that I made
Disconnected the phone
Still they never call you
No they never call you
No they never call
Never call
Never bloody ever call
Never bloody ever
Never
Never do
Never do
~Travis
Scar tissue has no character. It’s not like skin. It doesn’t show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It’s like a slipcover. It shields and disguises what’s beneath. That’s why we grow it; we have something to hide.
~Girl, Interrupted, Susanna Kaysen
“Everybody asks me how she’s doing, has she really lost her mind….I said I couldn’t tell you, I’ve lost mine…”
~DMB
Then he pronounced me depressed because of my pathetic, disconnected love life. I found this extremely unnerving because until he said it, I was under the impression that I was in a pretty good mood. Then I started to worry that even my good moods could be classified as depression.
~It's My F---ing Birthday, Merrill Moarkoe
We who are
Your closest friends
Feel the time
Has come to tell you
That every Thursday
We have been meeting,
As a group,
To devise ways
To keep you in perpetual uncertainty
Frustration
Discontent and
Torture
By neither loving you
As much as you want
Nor cutting you adrift.
Your analyst is
In on it,
Plus your boyfriend
And your ex-husband;
And we have pledged
to disappoint you
As long as you need us.
In announcing our
Association
We realize we have
Place in your hands
A possible antidote
Against uncertainty
Indeed against ourselves.
But since Thursday nights
Have brought us
To a community
Of purpose
Rare in itself
With you as
The natural center,
We feel hopeful you
Will continue to make unreasonable
Demands for affectio
If not as a consequence
Of your disastrous personality
Then for the good of the collective.
~Philip Lopate
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
What goes around, comes around
I’m feeling a little stressed this week as my internship ends next Thursday and I still have TON to do before I can feel like I’ve been successful in completing it. My librarian gave me a brand new project last week despite the fact that I wasn’t done with the old ones and only had 2 weeks to go. So I’m wigging out a little, trying to figure out where I’m going to find the time to fit it all in, especially since I’ve been working more hours at the Retail Establishment in an effort to make as much money as possible.
I’ve also been reflecting on my time here and I feel like this has been one of the most positive experiences of my life. Other than learning how to become a librarian, which is huge in and of itself, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about people in the past year--mostly that there are in fact good people out there. I’ve actually made some friends here. Good friends, who are good people; real and honest and who really “get it”. People that have experienced way difficult things in life and yet are able to make the best of those situations and be happy and thankful in their lives. I needed to see that.
I’ve also learned that there really is good in most people if you take the time to get to know them and look for the good instead of jumping to see the bad. Even though my first impression of all the kids at the Retail Establishment was negative, I’ve gotten to know all of them and now see them as “good kids” who despite their sometimes seemingly unpleasant exteriors are actually genuine people on the inside.
I’ve learned that I’m not so bad either; that once people get to know me, they seem to thing I’m a pretty great person too. That I have things to offer and I put good out into the world and make other people happy.
I’ve learned if you put good out there and do nice things for other people, it comes back to you in the end. I let a girl borrow one of my textbooks for her class and good came back to me in the form of a $10 gift card to Starbucks. Sweet.
I guess it turns out, people aren’t horrible so horrible and they usually don’t suck after all.
Posted at 01:32 pm by lorah29
Sunday, August 02, 2009
I've been really worried lately about what I'm going to do for a job next month when my lease is up and I'm forced to move on to real life. I need health insurance and also enough money to start paying back my student loans, which isn't going to happen at the retail establishment. So Thursday while I was trying really hard to pay attention in class, I remembered that the girl that took my old job at the hospital is moving to England in the fall to go to grad school. And it occurred to me, perhaps I could take her place. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made and I decided to email my old boss and see if there was any chance of that scenario working out. I told her I would still be looking for a librarian job, so if she wanted to hire someone who had plans to stay, then I totally understand. She wrote me back and said they'd love to have me back while I looked for a job.
It's great news because I'll have benefits and enough money that I don't have to cry all the time. I'm planning on working at the retail establishment too and tossing as much money as possible at my student loans. So I'm feeling pretty good about the future right now. One of the managers at the RE pointed out that it may be easy to "get comfortable" and never move on. But that won't happen to me. I'm much to practical to let something like a $60,000 education go to waste.
Posted at 07:29 am by lorah29
Monday, July 20, 2009
I've always been intrigued by the idea of reinventing yourself when you move to a new place. It's been my plan each time I've moved to become a new person. When I went off to college for the first time, I thought for sure I'd shed my shyness and make a million new friends and giggle and smile all the time. Didn't happen. So when I moved to Pok, I thought, here's my chance. A brand new life. I can be anyone I want to be. But I was still just me. And, I finally realized that I was never going to change. That I am who I am. So I just quit trying and I realized this time, when I moved to Buff, it wasn't going to be a shot at a new life, a new identity or any of that. It was just a new area code. But like always, when I wasn't looking, something happened and apparently, I did change. And here's how I know.
At the RE in Syr, it was well known that I hated life. Everyone knew I was cynical and mean and hated people and life in general. That was a given, and things wouldn't be right if I wasn't angry and complaining about someone or something. But yesterday, at the RE here in Buff, I had a day where I felt mean and cynical and was angry at everyone and everything. I wasn't surprised, but everyone else seemed to be. All day, I had people staring back at me with their jaws dropped, saying they'd "never seen this side" of me before. And that shocked me. I'd kind of taken pride in the fact that I was mean and angry--edgy if you will, but apparently, without my noticing, I became nice.
Posted at 12:20 am by lorah29
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Yesterday, my former boss, Christy's husband died. Struck by lightning. From the Pok Journal: "Dan S was helping build the tree house as a surprise for the children of the neighbor when they returned home from a trip."
I didn't know Dan very well, mostly just saw him when he'd come down in the morning to say goodbye to Christy or get socks out of the dryer. But it really affected me and I felt myself tearing up. Not because my life would change in any way; I barely knew him. But for Christy and their three kids. How do you cope when you're 5 years old with your dad suddenly just being gone? Or ten. Or seven. I know now what it's like to lose someone you love and I can't imagine how much greater the hurt and loss must be when it's your husband or father.
Posted at 09:08 pm by lorah29
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
I'm sitting outside at school thinking about all the things I would change if I could. Mostly, that boils down to me having a boyfriend. I'm in a part of campus where I spent a lot of time with TC and it makes me yearn of a companion of the male persuasion. Usually, it's not that big of a deal, I try not to think about it. But today, it just seems overwhelmingly, painfully obvious that my life is going to be lived entirely alone.
Since human companionship is out of the question, I'm just wishing I could have a room like this:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sassenach/2706559463/
It's not so much to ask.
Posted at 06:10 pm by lorah29
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Over the holiday weekend, pretty much the whole fam decided to commit to dropping a few pounds. This is incredibly easy to say as you sit stuffing your face with cake. "Starting Monday..." just rolls right off the tongue. But here it is Thursday, and in reality, I'm not doing so hot. I'm doing better than I could be since I have little to no food in my apartment, but given the lack of food, I'm finding a surprising amount to eat. And, exercising. Ha. It's really tough to convince myself at 6:30 in the morning that I need to get up so I can drive 15 minutes to run on a treadmill for 30. But I'll keep trying.
Just a quick update on the K saga (cause I know you're all so interested): On Tuesday, I saw her stuff at the desk we're supposed to share (most days we won't both be there) so I knew she was around somewhere. I headed out to the reference desk to borrow a laptop, and there she was talking to the librarian. She saw me first and smiled. I waved and said hi and we exchanged pleasantries. We talked for several minutes as though there was no bad blood between us. I'm pretty sure she's convinced V is the devil and I'm just one of her minions. Which works for me.
Also, I stumbled across a HUGE used book sale today. I got 12 books for $10.50. Sweet.
Posted at 08:28 pm by lorah29
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Don't hate, it's not my fault you're retarded
Today was the first day of my new internship. And I overslept. I was supposed to be there at 10am and I woke up at 10:05 according to my alarm clock, which translates to 9:55 in real time. Yet another way in which I disgust myself. I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. Much like I'm going to pretend the whole thing firing K thing didn't happen when I see her in class tonight. I'm really nervous about it. Should I sit in the front, knowing she always sits in the back (because she's a slacker) and just not look behind me? Should I smile and wave? Go up to her and say, "Hey what's up?" I just don't know.
I could probably deal with the class thing, I ignore most people in my classes. But starting tomorrow, we are going to be working closely together at this internship. When I told her that I got an internship there, she took it upon herself to email the librarian as well and weasel her way into getting an internship too. So now there is a great deal of awkwardness in store for me. This blows.
Posted at 03:37 pm by lorah29
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Get your shit together girl
Two things that are important to me but I've really been sucking at lately:
1). Being thin.
2). Being frugal.
I'm rather disgusted with myself, actually. It seems like I have no control over myself and it makes me feel like a very weak person. I have been on a long eating binge and though I can see myself getting fatter everyday, I can't seem to do what it takes to fix it. Seeing how fat I am stresses me out and as a momentary fix to that stress I eat ice cream or candy to make myself feel better. Classic obese person syndrome. Even as I'm digging into the ice cream pint, I'm cursing myself for it, yet I can't seem to stop. And, my bad experience with my first week back at running has kind of turned me off of it. I had a horrible time and couldn't go very far before I gave up wheezing and wishing I could just teleport back home.
As for my frugality, I've always prided myself on the fact that I can say no to almost any material item, telling myself that it's for the greater good to pass it by and that whatever it is, it's not worth the amount of work that went into earning the dollars. Lately though, it's as if I don't even care anymore. I bought myself several clothing items last week because I didn't have anything for summer. In truth, I probably did need some clothes, but I can't get past the $120 floating around in my head. And then today, I spent another 60 bucks at Target on a new ipod radio thingie, allergy medicine, a candle, bread, m&ms, hairspray and a mountain dew. I'm trying to justify this by saying that my ipod thingie broke and I can't tolerate the radio, but still. It hurts a little to say goodbye to my money and frightens me a bit about what I'm going to do when it runs out.
Oh and because I like to be efficient, I've been knocking out both 1) and 2) at once by eating fast food far too often. Not only is it overpriced, it's probably the worst thing I could possibly eat. I used to loathe fast food. What's happening to me?
Since I'm complaining anyway, I just want to say that I want to be in love. I think it's about my turn.
Posted at 05:57 pm by lorah29
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Does anyone else get excited by this?
Or this?
What about this?
Cause I do.
Posted at 10:05 pm by lorah29
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Another update on the you’re-fired project. We got an A. In fact Prof said she was “ecstatic” to give us an A. She apparently liked it that much. She even asked for an electronic copy so she can use it as an example in the future. All this makes me feel better about kicking K out. If we had kicked her out and then done a badly, I would have felt bad. But now it’s clear she was holding us back. I have a final tomorrow and we are presenting our project to our supervising librarian on Friday and then I’m done for the semester. Feels good.
Posted at 07:07 pm by lorah29
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